Author Robert Horton went bankrupt and half-mad while writing his debut memoir, Love Songs and Suicide. He also found his purpose. In honour of Suicide Prevention Month, Robert shares his story of trauma, perseverance and healing through art and nature in the Woodhill Park Journal.
“Your mom has passed away,” my dad said, with tears in his eyes. I didn’t cry.
As a kid I always knew my mom probably wouldn’t live for very long, mainly because she was honest with me and told me so.
Other suicide attempts and gestures had preceded her death. It was 2001, a few weeks before 9/11. I was about to enter my junior year of high school.
My mom’s pain always seemed to define her. In the decades that followed her death, I subconsciously tried to carry that pain with me, just to keep a part of her alive. This gave me a profound sense of empathy. It awakened the writer and poet within me.
The pain I carried also contributed to my mental health struggles.
Because of my depression and anxiety, I had trouble functioning in normal workplaces. Covering my basic expenses was always a challenge. And I often contemplated suicide.
At 32, I found myself unemployed (again).
So I took a minimum-wage security job at a rural hospital. That’s when my perspectives on life and art began to change.
A nurse inspired me to travel.
On my “Bipolar Express” tour of the American Southwest, I visited five National Parks in six days and navigated a flash flood. I felt content on that trip, for the first time in years.
In my book, I reflected on my unforgettable experience at the Grand Canyon. I wrote:
“German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, ‘When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.’ And on the million-year-old rock, I was energized rather than perturbed as I pondered my own insignificance and stared down into the world’s most breathtaking abyss."
I don’t know if there’s a meaning to life or not. Probably not. But life certainly feels meaningful when you’re standing on the shoulders of a geological giant and tangible miracle, like the Grand Canyon.”
Five years after my Grand Canyon visit, connecting with nature remains a priority for me. It helps me stay present and manage my depression and anxiety.
In early 2021, I began writing my book, Love Songs and Suicide: A Travel Memoir, Romance, and Tragic Musical Comedy.
It’s the book with a soundtrack!
Songwriting was my first love. And during my time at the hospital, I completed my first batch of new material in over a decade. “Cutting the Backwoods Down” is an apocalyptic party song and one of my greatest “hits.” It features a redneck party planner, alligators, dancing skeletons, a character named “One-Eyed Tommy,” and more. Song and video below.
While writing Love Songs and Suicide, which is often hilarious despite its heavy title, I sifted through three decades’ worth of trauma and damage in isolation while acting as my own therapist. What could go wrong?
Of course, almost everything went wrong. I went bankrupt. And I came as close as I’ve ever come to needing in-patient psychological care. But I also found my purpose–
I’m a writer.
No matter what occupation I list on my tax return and whether I like it or or not, I’m a writer. I may not be the best writer in my hometown, state, or even in my own family, but writing is what I’m best at and what feels meaningful to me.
Unfortunately, Love Songs and Suicide was a flop - a total failure.
It took me almost two years to write the book. Other than my best friend “Phoenix,” nobody read it upon its release. The book’s failure is my fault. I never had the stomach to promote it. Also, I hadn’t fully developed my purpose as a writer.
I knew writing felt meaningful to me, but I didn’t know why. And now I do. I write because I believe my past adversities, traumas, and warped sense of humour will allow me to connect with readers who’ve experienced tremendous losses, mental health challenges, or both.
That’s my goal anyway - to offer hope and inspiration to people who are struggling.
Now that my mission is clear, I have a better chance of reaching people with my writing. In the near future, I’m planning to turn Love Songs and Suicide into a legit, full-on musical. I’m also hoping to begin a new chapter as a public speaker and performer.
With my 40th birthday fast approaching, I’m currently working part time as a mover. And I still struggle with moderate to severe depression and anxiety.
So there’s no happy ending to my story, at least not yet.
But I look forward to writing one someday.
In the meantime, I’ll strive to reduce human suffering when and where I can, both as a writer and as a citizen.
